It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
