Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
