Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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