Ambien. No doubt about it.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
