I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
