3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
