take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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