sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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