why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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