my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
