I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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