I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
