You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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