I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
