There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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