wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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