there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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