Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
