Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
