I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize