We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
