i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
