So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize