You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize