In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
