My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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