I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
