i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize