Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
