Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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