Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
