so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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