I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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