So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
