Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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