Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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