She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
