You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
