You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
