go do what you do best...puke behind churches
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
