im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
