i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize