he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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