goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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