She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
