Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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