It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
