I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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