Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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