yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
